Let Me Express Myself

I will start by being 100% honest with you; I am writing this post while listing to a playlist of Madonna’s best music.

 

AP’s Quill began as AP Roberts’ Stories. I thought that by making a site dedicated to my writing I would write more often. I had big plans to post only stories and poems. I didn’t need to write about the craft of writing because I felt I already knew everything.

That didn’t happen. I wrote many snippets of scenes and stories but failed to post 95% of what I wrote. And most of what I did post was about the craft of writing rather than my creative writing.

My lack of posting had little to do with the blog and more to do with the fact that my SO was diagnosed with Myelodysplastic Syndrome (MDS) and required a bone marrow transplant (BMT). The time I spent writing was usually while waiting to see doctors or watching my SO get a transfusion.

Once I returned to work, we thought the stress would start to decrease and I would write more than ever. My SO was supposed to start recovering from his BMT quickly and the doctor’s plan was to have him off disability and back to work at the one-year mark.

Again, that didn’t happen. In fact, I wrote even less than when my SO was at the worst point of his disease. My SO’s recovery hesitated at the half-way mark which meant appointments were kept at once or twice a week, dependent on if he required a transfusion of red-cells.

Between work and appointments, my “free-time” didn’t feel very free. I allowed myself to feel guilty over small things such as taking a longer bath than normal. If half-hour baths plagued me with guilt there was no chance I would risk writing for several hours. So I limited my writing to a few minutes whenever I felt I could spare the time.

 

Two weeks ago my SO and I were given fantastic news from his doctor. Instead of blood-work once a week and appointments once a month, he is on blood-work once a month and appointments once every three months. We immediately went to the Calgary Zoo as a celebration (and to fight the dinosaurs).

Now that my SO is starting to get back into normal life, I no longer feel guilty about taking time for the things I want to do. One of the things I can do without guilt is to blog.

I want to work on my writing. I want to delve deeper into how I can make my stories more realistic. I want to create characters to explore the worlds I have imagined.

I want to share my work. I want to reach out to people through my writing. I want people to read my work and have thoughts about it.

But my foundations have grown shaky since I’ve last put effort into my craft. I feel that if I were to attempt a push-off now I could destroy my faith in my ability. I need to rebuild, rebrand and reconnect. By strengthening my platform I will strengthen my belief in myself and what I can accomplish.

 

This post was writing in response to Blogging 101’s assignment to “Introduce Yourself”. The listening to Madonna and dancing badly was completely optional.