I use to write a lot. And by a lot I mean that I would write at least 500 words on a bad day. Lately I’ve been lucky to write 100 words in a week. This is not what I want in my life. I want to be able to write. I want the words to flow out of my hands and onto the paper in front of me. I want to see blank pages filled with words.
But I’m severely out of practice and have been for the last few years. Which is why I need to practice my writing and blogging with a bit of rambling.
If you missed my last post about why it’s been two years since I’ve posted anything, the long and short of it is that I let my mental illness get in my way. I became so obsessed with perfection and being strong enough to hold my small family together that I let everything dear to me fall by the wayside. I became obsessed with being the barrier between the bully and the bullied that I became the bullied. And I wasn’t strong enough to deal with it all on my own without sacrifice.
And this led to me breaking a good habit and replacing it with a bad habit. I stopped writing every day and started doing nothing.
So, now it’s time to break the bad habit and replace it with a good habit. Which is a lot harder than it seems. It was so easy to be lazy and now that I need to be productive, I keep wanting to revert back to the bad habit.
I’ve been trying to write this post over the last week and every time I sit down, I think of other things I could be doing. I could be cleaning the house. I could be playing with the cats. I could be working overtime. But while that would be productive in some manners, it wouldn’t get me to my main goal which is words on paper.
So, while my husband cleans and my cats watch me creepily from the doorway, I’m going to write. And to help me get words on paper, I’m also going to do something which terrifies me. Because if I can do one thing that terrifies me, then the words won’t seem so scary. If I can allow people to read my writing, the blank page won’t haunt me.
So it could be that in order to get back into the habit, I need to create a new habit. That in order to get back into writing every day, I need to add in something else. Which is why I’ve decided to start streaming myself writing. Because I am absolutely terrified of people seeing the unfinished draft. I am terrified of people reading the unpolished drivel. And, if I can do this, maybe I can do anything.
First thing first, I set myself back up in my writing place. It’s not much just a desk with some paper, markers and my computer. But at least it’s mine and when I sit down with my tea beside me, I know that I’m ready to write.
Then I set up my writing programs. I have my word document open and Write or Die on standby if I start to slack in my words.
I have my topic picked out. I had it staring at me for the last three days waiting for me to write it.
And then it was just a matter of self-discipline. This one is the most difficult for me. Because I always have that voice in my head telling me that I’m doing things wrong. When I sit down to do something I want to do, something that I dream about, there is this voice inside my head telling me that I’m wasting my time and that everyone will hate me for being so selfish.
I’ve taken to listening to that voice.
But no more.
I refuse to listen to that voice. I will sit down. I will write my words. And I will mute that voice that tells me that no one wants to listen to me. That no one cares what I have to say.
Hopefully if I can sit down at least twice a week to write. I will be on my way to making this a habit instead of a maybe. If I can sit down and write at least once a week, I can get that voice to finally be quiet.
But for now, I’m just back to starting.
For now, that’s just a dream that I’m reaching for with the butterfly net.
And if I don’t start now I may never start. If I don’t start chasing, I may never reach it.
Wish me luck.