I use to write a lot. And by a lot I mean that I would write at least 500 words on a bad day. Lately I’ve been lucky to write 100 words in a week. This is not what I want in my life. I want to be able to write. I want the words to flow out of my hands and onto the paper in front of me. I want to see blank pages filled with words.
But I’m severely out of practice and have been for the last few years. Which is why I need to practice my writing and blogging with a bit of rambling.
TW: If you are easily triggered by talk of harassment, anxiety or mental illness, please take care of yourself and don’t read the rest of this post.
After more than two years in a self-imposed hiatus, I’m back. At least, I’m hoping that I’m back though I don’t know how long or how often I’ll be able to post.
There were some events which happened in my life over the last few years which severely impacted my mental health. This also impacted my work, my home life and my writing. In all honesty, there was not a part of my life that was not affected by these events.
Warning: This post is the continuation of last week’s post. It was even more difficult for me to get through as some of these issues are still current in my SO’s health. If you have questions, please ask. As well, if you have opinions or information, please feel free to share in the comments.
Recovery is different for every transplant but in each instance recovery can take time. Most transplants require patients to be hospitalized for at least a few days post-transplant so that the doctors can closely monitor their recovery process.
Each patient reacts to recovery in a different way. Some patients may find they recover at a fairy quick pace without many incidents. Other patients may find they recovery quickly at the beginning but start to slow down the further into their recovery that they get. There are patients who find their recovery is a slow process which may require another transplant before they reach full health. And, sadly, there are patients who may never recover their health after transplant. All of these occurrences are normal.
Warning: This post was difficult for me to write due to the subject being so close to my heart. I apologize in advance if this is not edited to my normal quality as I had a difficult time reading it through. As well, if there is anything you feel I have missed, please let me know. I am planning a part 2 for transplants to include more information I gathered over the last few years.
The first thing to remember about transplants is that every transplant is different and every transplant patient has a different experience. Both transplant and recovery can vary greatly from patient to patient.
Patients who require transplants usually find out about their need because they become very ill. In fact, it can be obvious from looking at the patient that there is something wrong. They go to the doctor because of these symptoms and are given tests to find out the problem. Once the doctor figures out why the symptoms are present in the patient, they may refer the patient to a specialist. It may be the family doctor or the specialist who diagnoses the specific issue that requires transplant.
I will start by being 100% honest with you; I am writing this post while listing to a playlist of Madonna’s best music.
AP’s Quill began as AP Roberts’ Stories. I thought that by making a site dedicated to my writing I would write more often. I had big plans to post only stories and poems. I didn’t need to write about the craft of writing because I felt I already knew everything.
That didn’t happen. I wrote many snippets of scenes and stories but failed to post 95% of what I wrote. And most of what I did post was about the craft of writing rather than my creative writing.
My lack of posting had little to do with the blog and more to do with the fact that my SO was diagnosed with Myelodysplastic Syndrome (MDS) and required a bone marrow transplant (BMT). The time I spent writing was usually while waiting to see doctors or watching my SO get a transfusion.
I did it. I finally signed up for Blogging 101, one of the free courses offered by the WordPress team over at the Daily Post.
While I have wanted to sign up for another Writing University course for a while, I’ve felt extremely anxious about it. I’ve allowed my fears to dictate my life in terms of what I attempt. In truth I have allowed my fears to turn into regrets.
I have having regrets. They are heavy on the mind and weighty on the soul. Blogging 101 shall no longer be a chain that drags me down.
Besides, my blog could use a good update and I could use the kick in the pants.
In all honesty, I’m excited. This is the first month where I’m not acting as caregiver to my SO (he was finally given the go-ahead to start back at work and get live vaccinations!), and because of that I am able to put more into my writing. My celebration is to join and finish Blogging 101.
Who is with me? Anyone else getting a refresher or starting a new blog?
Far too often I’ve found myself apologizing for not having written in a long time. I will make no excuses because I have not been trying to make time for my writing.
I have made time for other things, such as taking my nephew and sister-in-law to the circus or taking SO to the zoo. Unfortunately, writing was shoved down the list of priorities in the last few months and was shoved into a mere 10 or 15 minutes a week.
Those of you who blog know that 10 minutes is not enough time to write and edit a post. In fact, 10 minutes is not nearly enough time for me to even finish a post. I have many, many half-written posts on my computer that may not ever see life beyond my computer.
I’m not going to make promises that I will post every day or even every week because right now my priorities lie with my family. What I am going to try is to make more time for writing in my life.
Whether this time is snuck into zoo trips or during breaks at work, I will make time for writing. Because time is not found, it is made.
For the past 8 years I have participated in NaNoWriMo and this year is no exception.
On November 1st, NaNo seemed like an insurmountable challenge akin to my first few years when I was recovering from surgeries and under heavy pain medication. Those years I didn’t win NaNo; in fact, I didn’t even come close. With all the stress involved in my life at this time, I was ready to give up on NaNo before I began. I thought I would end up writing nothing because all of my time would be spent working overtime and helping with my father-in-law’s estate. I was in a panic because I had nothing figured out and I was stressed more than I can ever recall.
Then, today, I did something amazing. I started with a blank page and the words started flowing. They weren’t quite the words I was expecting and certainly not the genre I tend to fall back on, but they were words and they were written.
While I have yet to post my word count on the site I am progressing. Despite the stress involved in figuring out my father-in-law’s estate, I have managed to write a fair number of words. Despite losing hours to working overtime, I have words.
I don’t claim that the words I’ve written are masterpieces of literature. I don’t claim that any of my writing today has been grammatically correct. I have run my post through the WordPress proofreader and through several spellcheck programs. I am hopeful that my worst errors have been caught and corrected. However, right now I feel such freedom from having written through the stress that I don’t mind if I missed something.
I will allow my perfectionist self to deal with my stress levels in a separate area of my brain. For now, my writerly self is going to write.
What about you? If you’re taking part in NaNo this year are you keeping on track? Are you pantsing like me or do you have detailed plans?
A.P. Roberts,
You are a wonder to behold. You may not get told that as often as you would like, or need, but you are amazing. This is why your name is Awesome Person Roberts.
Of course, we also know that A.P. doesn’t actually stand for Awesome Person. The A does stand for amazingly awesome but the P is what you tend to forget about.
You know the P stands for perseverance in the face of writers’ block and procrastination in the face of deadlines. But you don’t realize that it also stands for “potential magic”.
You have the power to release magic into the world with a stroke of your purple pen. You have the power to create people and the worlds they live in. You have the power to entangle readers into any story that you weave.
But you’ve only begun to accept this power for what it is. Until you began Writing 101 you allowed your inner perfectionist to run rampant through you creativity. You would edit and rewrite pieces meant to be free-writes because you felt unworthy.
This is why I’m writing this letter. I see you allowing yourself to fall back into those habits you worked so hard to get past.
I don’t want that potential magic to be permanently forgotten.
There are many people who will tell you that you need to “get over yourself” and others that will say you “don’t want it hard enough”. But all those doubters and naysayers are wrong.
Don’t get over yourself, work with yourself. Free the insecurities and anxiety by letting them out on paper. Regardless of who reads your work, you will feel better by letting out the negative emotions.
Your problem is that you want it too much. You want perfection in yourself and your work but you don’t expect perfection from others. You are aware that perfection doesn’t exist outside the realms of personal preference yet you constantly chase it. You spend so much time staring at the goal of perfection that you are missing the steps that lead to accomplishment.
Do you remember how accomplished you felt as you finished each assignment of Writing 101? Do you remember how proud you were that you were posting on a consistent schedule?
Keep it up! I dare you to post at least once a week. Then you can play WoW and Minecraft with your SO. Then you can allow yourself to watch Dr Phil and Doctor Who.
Then you can feel accomplished because you deserve that feeling. You deserve to feel proud of your work and proud of what you have done. And you, Ms Amazing Pixie, have all the tools necessary to accomplish this goal.
Sincerely,
A.P. Roberts, writer extraordinaire
Thank you Kaygy for pointing out some of the typos I missed. 🙂
This post was written in response to Writing 101: The Things We Treasure.
Shiny baubles may catch my eye and I may be easily mesmerized by twinkling lights but neither constitute a treasure. I love my family and adore my friends but they are not my deepest treasure.
If you were to cut me open and peer at my heart, you would find in it a treasure more desirable to me than gold or diamonds. Piled high in my heart, flowing through my veins, live stories.
I hoard books filled with stories so that they line my walls without a space between them. I wait, impatiently, for stories not yet written. I long for ideas that will capture the minds of readers far into the future. I crave new stories that I can read and explore their worlds. I anticipate the next story as I’m closing the book I’ve just finished.
As far back as I can remember I have loved stories. I can still remember the words of the “Lost Little Kitten” being read in my mother’s voice. There are story books that have been passed on to the newest generation which were read to me as a child. Some of the stories I remember from my youth were created by parents and babysitters who wanted us to settle for the night. Other stories from my youth were written in scribbles on the notebooks my parents left lying on the kitchen table.
My mother encouraged my love of stories by buying me treasures to hoard like a dragon in its cave. When one book was finished another was waiting to be read. From a modest stack, the treasures grew into a massive pile.
I’ve cut down on my treasure since becoming a woman. I’ve shared them with those less fortunate by donating to libraries and local foundations. Unfortunately for my floorboards, the pile still keeps growing.
Whisper2Scream pointed out the disconnect between the previous beginning and the rest of this piece. I’ve edited out the old beginning and replaced it with something I like a bit better.
A.P.'s Quill 